From aggressive maneuvers like heavy breathing to subtle subterfuges such as taking up space, here are six tips on how to own silent treatment like a boss.
Breathe
Highlight the deadly silence with heavy breathing.
Aggressively announce your continuing coexistence. Sneeze, cough, and blow your nose as if you’ve never learned how but are determined to give it your all.
Get in the way
Nothing says ‘I’m here for you.’ like taking up space.
Make it as awkward as possible to get around the house without bumping into you.
Say ‘sorry’ when you have to move out of the way, implying your refusal to apologize for anything else is a conscious choice.
Wear headphones
Wearing headphones during silent treatment is a power move that can sever all diplomatic channels and wipe out any reasonable doubt about your innocence.
While TV allows families to avoid talking to each other, with smartphones and headphones, you don’t even have to share the silence.
Put on headphones. Watch funny videos. Laugh out loud. The stupider the laugh, the better.
Be normal
Casually bring up neutral subjects like appointments and bills.
Having to reevaluate the application of silence treatment will confuse your wife and drain her resolve.
Get a good night’s sleep
Have an uninterrupted, dreamless, refreshing sleep.
Appreciate your wife’s look of horror when seeing your well-rested face.
Act fast
Read the wife’s essay-length text message composed overnight.
Realize why she seemed so quiet yesterday.
Pretend you were aware of the silent treatment all along.