Interviewer: First, thank you for stepping out of your safe house for this interview. I know we have to keep it short due to security concerns, so let’s get right to it.
Why did you fake your death?
Mrs. Wick: Well, not long after our marriage, I realized my husband, John Wick, was a ruthless killer and an extreme over-reactor. Not someone you’d want to discuss a divorce with, you know.
Interviewer: But faking your own death seems … a bit over the top, don’t you think? And the puppy? What’s the deal with that?
Mrs. Wick: Again, hashing out asset distribution with a man licensed to kill didn’t seem like a good recipe for an amicable split. And considering he’s never been the sharpest tool in the shed, I had this feeling that if I sent him a puppy, he’d confuse it with me in no time.
Interviewer: I guess that worked out well. But how was your relationship before you faked your death? Mr. Wick appears to hold it in high regard.
Mrs. Wick: Oh, our marriage was a total train wreck. Does he still stare at my photo? Even when I was around, he was always looking at that picture. I’d asked him to do something like take out the garbage, I’d later find him in a corner, chatting with that photo as if I wasn’t even there.
Interviewer: You’re aware that he killed a lot of people after your “death,” right?
Mrs. Wick: How could I not be? New York’s population has practically been slashed in half. Did you notice how subways are no longer crowded?
I can talk about it now because I’ve been seeing a therapist for a long time. It took a lot of work to let go of the guilt. Fortunately, I found a support group for ladies whose partners went on killing rampages in their names.
Interviewer: Are there more people like you who faked their deaths?
Mrs. Wick: Sadly, yes. Sometimes it’s a fiancée of a foul-mouthed never-dead; other times, it’s the daughter of an overbearing father who has no social skills.
Interviewer: I’ve heard that in Japan, you can hire someone to break up with your partner for you, but I guess we’re not quite there yet.
Before we finish, any message for John?
Mrs. Wick: If you’re going to embark on a killing spree, at least have the decency to own up to it. And John, next time you lose something, just check the fridge¹ before going on a rampage.