You hear a commotion and turn to see an older, disheveled you with a mysterious scar above the lips burst through the door.
Other you: Put the jar down. PUT THE JAR DOWN!
Startled, you try to put the jar down, but somehow peanut butter is smeared on all sides of the jar, and no clean surface to put it down.
Other you: I’m from the future, and I’m here to save the world by saving you from yourself.
You’re not sure whether to focus on the future version of yourself or on cleaning up the mess.
Future you: This is not just about losing self-respect and dignity. This is much, MUCH bigger than that.
You awkwardly hold out the jar, not sure what to do. You feel caught with your pants down, and brown goo smeared everywhere doesn’t help.
Future you: By eating out of that jar, you have started a chain of reaction that will lead to the end of the world. The president has authorized me to travel back in time to save the world by saving you from yourself.
You’re skeptical but intrigued and ask how a peanut butter jar can cause the apocalypse.
Future you: Just like your “one little scoop” ended up with an empty jar and sticky hair, every road to the apocalypse is paved with ‘just one more’. We traced the entire collapse of civilization back to this one slippery slope with you on top of it. Here, read this note from Dr. Yuri. If you follow the instruction in the letter, we might avoid the planet’s 6th extinction.
Dr. Yuri’s Instructions for Jar-Related Emergencies:
- Put the jar down.
- Take out the spoon or your finger — don’t panic if your whole hand is in there. Collect yourself and take it out.
- Put the lid back on. DO NOT LICK THE LID.
- Put the jar back or throw it away if necessary (take the label off when you recycle).
- Forgive yourself.
Future you: I don’t know if getting your act together can stop the apocalypse, but it’s our only chance. We’ll know in ten days.
You agree to follow the instructions, still feeling a little foolish but determined to avoid the end of the world. As you start cleaning up, you wonder if peanut butter can go bad. This worries you as much as the apocalypse. Only time will tell.