A recent conversation with my husband revealed not just a chasm in our marriage, but columns — rows and rows of columns representing his unhealthy infatuation with a relational database.
Following are the 8 things my husband doesn’t know about me, as he exports his knowledge base to the cloud one CSV at a time.
- My birthday
You’d participated in many versions of this event online and offline, many of them ended in major fights, and one time I silently cried in a subway.
Hint. It’s a national holiday in our country. My birthday comes out marked in a calendar.
No, you are not allowed to consult your Excel sheets — is that MY name with ‘the wife’ label in cell B5?
2. Names of my family
Tell me the full names of any members of my family. No, you still can’t check your file.
Yes, any members of my family except YOU.
3. Name of my best friend
You met her on multiple occasions including her wedding last month. She sent you a thank you card over there.
No, she is not the one with a forgetful husband, you got that the other way around.
4. What I do for work
That’s right. I have an LG QHD Monitor Ergo Dual monitor. And once you had an hour-long chat with my co-worker about mechanical keyboards.
So what do I do for a living?
5. I’m a vegetarian
I have been vegetarian longer than our relationship.
And it is about to become longer unless you stop suggesting barbecue places for a meetup.
6. My blood type
I don’t really expect you to know this. My blood type is AB plus.
Please put it on your excel sheet.
7. Where I’m going for a summer vacation
You made a formula to compare cost, weather, air quality, and crime rate between potential destinations. And thank you for creating an encrypted folder ‘trv_2022Q2’ with all the documentation.
Yes, you are going with me.
But where to?
8. My hidden motive
I’ve been writing this list in the secret hope that someone can please tell me how this is normal.
…yes, I will send you the link to the list now.
Dismayed by his critical lack of information about me — especially the absence of offline backup — I decided that our marriage needed a fix.
To follow my journey to patch up our relationship, stay tuned for my upcoming series ‘How I plan to Optimize My Marriage with AI’
Ep01. How to authenticate the husband’s “I’m sorry” with CAPTCHA.